Musings: Barber solves the monkey menace

By Thomas Kanamala

I HAVE been highlighting the threat to people from stray dogs,  wild bees, animals, pigeons etc  for many years.

I have read about several innovative/hilarious methods to deal with them.  The best story was about a Tamil cinema comedian who offered Scotch to a prankster monkey to buy peace.

The other was about the Kerala police who kept dummy Chinese plastic snakes around the police station and tourist spots to scare away the simians.

"Snakes are more effective than our lathi,"  an officer claimed. But they had to give up the idea when real snakes from the nearby forest area marched to the police station to learn more about the intruders in their territory!

Despite complaints in the Parliament by several members, media reports and agitation by the affected persons, the menace seems to have only increased.

I witnessed the problem while staying in the YWCA of the famous Vellore CMC hospital. I had consoled myself that though my writings were useless, the complaints from the rich, powerful and famous too had met with the same fate.

I also took umbrage from the fact that it was there from time immemorial, as evident from the ancient Panchatantra story where a barber used an innovative idea to get rid of a rogue monkey.

The monkey used to enter his makeshift shop when the owner was out and used to unsettle his comb, scissors, mirrors, water, soap, towel etc, sit on his chair and scare away customers.

So one day, before going out for lunch, he took his razor knife and swiped its blunt edge against his neck several times while the monkey was watching his shop from a tall tree. When he returned after an hour, he found the monkey dead in a pool of blood.

It is not known if the Forest Department had sent any notice to the barber for cruelty against the monkey, as happened in the case of actor Mayilsamy who offered Scotch to a monkey and knocked him off. (Aug 28, 2024)

An old report below:
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BJP MP and actor Hema Malini said in the Parliament on Nov. 21, 2019 that rogue monkeys have been causing the deaths of folks in her Mathura constituency. Going by the experience of a leading Tamil actor on how he had dealt with a prankster monkey, the explanatory part of her statement could lead to problems for the people and pilgrims who used to feed these monkeys. According to her, some of the monkeys that ate this food have fallen sick and the illness has been spreading to the local residents.

A few years ago, Tamil actor Mayilsamy said he was faced with such a problem. But he solved it with half a bottle of Scotch whiskey. He was promptly slapped with a prosecution notice by the Forest Department.

The old story, in Mayilswamy’s words at a public function: "A wild monkey was constantly disrupting our film shoot, causing annoying and fear among the film unit. Nobody knew what to do".

The audience roared with laughter, whistled and responded with thunderous applause.  The presentation was a deadly combination of humour and histrionic at the music release function of a new Tamil movie.

"The scene was close to a forest down south", he continued. The audience, well aware of his practical jokes, knew that something hilarious was up his sleeve. They were not disappointed.  

He elaborated with appropriate actions the pranks of the monkey that was constantly disturbing the shooting. The simian was ogling at the female artistes, showing obscene gestures, jumping around and snarling at the technicians who dared to cross its path.

It snatched away the food packet from a screaming supporting actress, and scattered the contents all over the place. Lead actor and stuntmen feared to move before the camera fearing a real stunt scene.

It was then that the comedian noticed the animal eyeing the bottles kept at a corner. The spark. Why not buy peace with the rogue offering it some real Scotch!

The actor casually picked up a mineral water bottle, and took a deep swig, ensuring that the animal was watching him. With a contented smirk, he placed the bottle near the Scotch whisky bottle, picked the latter, uncorked it and kept it a little away from shooting spot.

"Did you keep some ice cubes and mixture too?" someone from the audience shrieked.

Waving it away with a grin, the actor continued: "The monkey rushed towards the bottle, grabbed it and gulped down the entire content. Soon it started lurching like a drunkard and fell off asleep, while trying to climb the nearby tree. There was no problem from the monkey till the shooting ended".

The applause and laughter brought down the roof.

But the real problem came to his house a week later in the form of a registered letter from the Forest Department. It sought to know why he should not be arrested under the Wild Life Protection Act for Cruelty to Animal.

A video copy of his speech and news clippings were attached.

The actor was devastated. His friends told him in so many words that his goose was cooked. On expert legal advice, Mayilswamy gave a statement to the Forest Department that the incident never happened, and being a comedian, he conjured up the story to regale the audience.

He did not fail to add that he loved and respected monkeys, and regretted the inconvenience caused.
The authorities have accepted his explanation and closed the case.

"Now I know why Ayurveda products like `Karim Kurangu Rasayanam’, and `Narasimha Lehyam’ are no more advertised’, the actor is reported to have commented later.