Enlightenment

Musings By Rajee Rajan

IT was a fine Saturday morning.  The church bell chimed six times announcing the wake of a newborn day.  I simply gazed at the rays of sunlight that kept peeping through the window curtains that were dancing to the tune of the rotating fan.  My husband was sleeping peacefully and I watched the rising of his bare chest that moved up and down with his calm breath.   I thanked God for a loving husband, children and a peaceful day.

Every day, by this time, I would have rushed to the kitchen to set the day going.  But as Saturday was a holiday for me, I thought of lying lazily for some more time.  Many thoughts of our past went through my mind like the flashes of a firefly.  The bits of happy moments mounted over the sad ones and they were buried deep below.

Suddenly, I remembered it was my birthday.  Forty years ago, God sent me to this world to be a part of this happy family.  I wanted to wake up the one nearby sleeping like a child of five, in excitement.  But, I decided not and snuggled close to him.  He embraced me and kissed my forehead.  I felt proud and moved closer.  In his sleep, he mumbled something, maybe asking for his bed tea, but not a mention of my birthday or a wish.

While in the kitchen several thoughts crossed my mind.  “Maybe he had planned to surprise me with some valuable gift or has he forgotten it altogether?” “Am I not as important to him as before?” The whistle from the kettle broke my thoughts.  I went to him with the tea with a smile but deep inside I had mixed emotions.

After a few hours, he was off to the office with not a word about my special day.  My son went to his friend’s house for combined study and my daughter had tuition classes till noon.  Amidst the household chores, my ears had been straining for a surprise call.  I checked the land phone to see if it was working and also searched the missed call list of my mobile phone several times in vain.

By evening, I felt lonely and sad and went to my bedroom. Usually, my husband comes home by seven and a few more hours were left. Children were watching TV downstairs and I could hear their arguments over the right of remote control.  Usually, I go down to settle it out.  But today, I didn’t feel like it.  When they were young, a huge share of my time was spent on them.  Now that they are in their teens, they are in their own world.

A sense of loneliness started gnawing my mind.  “How can he simply ignore or forget my birthday?”  “How romantic he was in the early days of our marriage.”  A sort of depression clutched me.  The clock struck eight and I realized he had not yet reached home.  A fear gripped me and sent a chill down me.  “Should I ring him?”  ‘No, not today”. “Let him ring, after all, he too has a mobile phone with him.”  But when the minutes ticked to hours, I couldn’t wait any longer.

When I rang him, he simply complained of heavy work at the office and his visit to a friend at the hospital.  Even though a sense of relief came to know that he was safe, anger and sadness both mixed like concrete making my heart heavy and cold.  “So, his office work and his friend have a better place in his heart!” I concluded.

Finally, when he arrived at 10.20 pm, he came in like nothing had happened and complained of being tired.  I tried to force a smile and gave him his supper.  He enquired about children, but not a word about me or my birthday!  I couldn’t control myself and burst out “Where were you till now?” He didn’t like being questioned and retorted “I have already told you about it over the telephone.”  The argument went on for some time and I hurried off to bury my tears in the pillow.

After some time, I could hear his warm breath beside me.  He put his arms over my shoulder.  But I laid there cold and refused to respond.  He called me in a low voice, at which I usually melt and surrender.  But today it was different and faked as if I were asleep.  He pulled away from me and turned the other side to sleep.  The deep breathing and light snoring sound that came into my ears increased my pain and made me more dejected.

The words he said in anger kept ringing in my ears over and over again and I cried my heart throughout the night.  Our quarrels have never gone overnight.  But today he was sleeping as if nothing had ever happened.  I thought there was no purpose in my living.  “It was for this family I am living and if they do not need me, what is the purpose of this life” All sorts of questions arose in my mind with no answers to console me.

When I opened my eyes the next morning, I realized that I had slept at some hour of the night amidst my tears and thoughts.  Somehow I felt better. Maybe the tears and sleep had done their job to lighten the heart.  I got off the bed silently and went to wash my face.  The mirror reflected a face with dried salty lines of tears all over my face and my eyes were swollen.

I stepped into the garden and felt the cool breeze.  Few flowers have bloomed here and there.  Then to my surprise, a beautiful butterfly came by and started kissing each flower and danced around them happily.  It reminded me that happiness is like these butterflies. Once you try to catch it, it flies away, but if we bloom like flowers and spread fragrance through our deeds, it will come to you.  I thought of the life of that butterfly.  

It had only a few days of life and how happily it sings and dances with no worries about its future or past.  The quality time we receive, if spent on complaints of the time that is lost, that too would be wasted forever.

I had been foolish and felt sorry for what had happened the previous day.  If only I had been a little more patient, the day would have been a memorable one.  I went back to the bedroom and saw my husband awake in bed.  I was too ashamed to speak so I snuggled close to him with lowered eyes.  He didn’t say a word, but pulled out a diamond ring and held me close.